"Facebook Status Generator" Poems I Generated

So there’s this new thing called a Facebook Status Generator. All the cool kids are using it. It takes bits and pieces from your past Facebook statuses and puts them together to make you a new status. The Facebook Status Generator is fun! It’s so much fun that one night I spent an hour laughing at all of the statuses it came up with for me. Maybe it’s because I’m easily amused. Maybe it’s because I’m a creative soul. Maybe it’s because I’m a single-old-lady-gay-man who only has Jesus to talk to. Either way, I thought the statuses could be even more fun if I took some of them and rearranged them into short poems! You should totally try it! I won’t call you a copycat. Promise. I like being a trendsetter.

An Urban Poem

Treat you right?

Be lucky if I can.

All you sucka MCs ain’t got pepper-spray on the thing I want.

You have half a bitch with my head when I walk through their way up.

Haha, yeah!

I’m gonna think that I don’t like crazy shit!

(I like it.)

Youth

Fifteen today isn’t the same good.

Who broke the good?

Sex With Ladies

This little girl,

I’m going to get on that.

Thiana, a wonderful lover, but I start feeling weird.

Well, not until she woke up.

My Show

I’m going to write a hypnotizing show.

It’s called Catfish because a catfish is really beautiful.

Susan, I wrote this.

I Had A Dream

I just remembered last night’s dream;

I saw a crazy.

I flinch.

I have a jump rope, so…

David The Gnome

I’m going to explain my dreams to the choir.

I just hear Tom Bosley say, “My dancing shoes…”

It’s dangerous being asleep on a tv show.

Doing Bath Salts

Stop eating my face at completely different times!

You have no boundaries!!

Go places, I said!

Saturday Feelings

Hey, Saturday Morning, how excited my insides get.

If you think I’m ready for this, you’re right.

I’m incredibly worldly, but I live in White Marsh bus stop.

Saturday, I’ve already cried twice.

How I Roll

Grizz, I AM hard to get,

Because my physical self does sound crazy, but I look amazing.

A shout out to me!!!

Queen B

I just logged on Spotify.

Miranda, Jess, your job is to take all the other Beyonces!!!!

At least 23!!!

Gratitude for Wednesday

Wednesday night at work!!

Tonight’s closing was smooth and I want to reiterate it.

Thank you, Shawn.

A Lonely Poem

I just like someone.

In sorrow, because they hate my heart.

I just wasn’t enough. I just realized that.

I’m going to miss you.

It Was All A Lie

I just bought Lady Gaga tickets!!!!!!!

I just love Lady Gaga tickets.

That didn’t happen, but I assume they’re on sale.

Four Things I Learned Today

Christina Aguilera Has Fat Too

Okay, obviously I didn't just learn that celebrities aren't zero percent body fat. But I did notice that Christina has to tug on the front of her pants a little bit when she sits back down on The Voice, and I did kind of think I was the only one doing that. It comforts me to know that someone I consider one of the most beautiful women in all of life also has some fat on her that doesn't always want to stay in the confines of pants. While I don’t usually like to refer to celebrities as “real people,” I will if it makes me feel better about the fat that may or may not stay inside my Levi’s.

Chocolate Chip Cookies Are Better Without The Chocolate Chips

I've really been craving chocolate chip cookies this month. Like, everyday. I have also really been disappointed by almost all of the cookies that have tried to curb that craving. (Stick to bagels, La Bagel Delight. Ya’ll don’t know a damn thing about cookies.) The one cookie that absolutely nailed it though? Macadamia nut. The cookie part was a crunchy delight and the macadamia nuts were just an added Hawaiian bonus. Sorry, chocolate chips, we’re done. Haters to the left.

You Only Regret The Toilet Paper You Didn't Buy

I… am lazy. Fortunately, I’m also witty and charming, which helps me get out of things I don’t want to, or am too lazy to do. Except when it comes to toilet paper. You can’t charm your way walking up the block to buy toilet paper. (Well not when it’s just me and the cat in the apartment. Jesus can’t be trusted with a credit card.) So, ya’ just gotta do it. Toilet paper is one of the three a-blizzard-is-coming essentials; milk, bread and toilet paper. You can’t create and then milk a cow in your living room, you can’t lay your own eggs, and you can’t use your least favorite tea towel as toilet paper. Well, yeah, you can use a tea towel as toilet paper, but it will clog your toilet. Trust me, it will clog your toilet.

Who The F*** Courtney Stodden Is

I’m not going to pretend I care about her, or that I’m a better person now that I know who she is, but I did learn about her, so I’m counting it. Apparently, she married a fifty year old man when she was sixteen, and now, at the extremely wise old age of nineteen, she is getting a divorce. She also has really big fake boobs, recently got lip injections, and from what I could tell from her interview on E! News, she bathes in glitter. She's dirty-old-man Kryptonite.

Image Credit

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