Friday, November 8, 2013

Four Things I Learned Today


Christina Aguilera Has Fat Too
Okay, obviously I didn't just learn that celebrities aren't zero percent body fat. But I did notice that Christina has to tug on the front of her pants a little bit when she sits back down on The Voice, and I did kind of think I was the only one doing that. It comforts me to know that someone I consider one of the most beautiful women in all of life also has some fat on her that doesn't always want to stay in the confines of pants. While I don’t usually like to refer to celebrities as “real people,” I will if it makes me feel better about the fat that may or may not stay inside my Levi’s.



Chocolate Chip Cookies Are Better Without The Chocolate Chips
I've really been craving chocolate chip cookies this month. Like, everyday. I have also really been disappointed by almost all of the cookies that have tried to curb that craving. (Stick to bagels, La Bagel Delight. Ya’ll don’t know a damn thing about cookies.) The one cookie that absolutely nailed it though? Macadamia nut. The cookie part was a crunchy delight and the macadamia nuts were just an added Hawaiian bonus. Sorry, chocolate chips, we’re done. Haters to the left.



You Only Regret The Toilet Paper You Didn't Buy
I… am lazy. Fortunately, I’m also witty and charming, which helps me get out of things I don’t want to, or am too lazy to do. Except when it comes to toilet paper. You can’t charm your way walking up the block to buy toilet paper. (Well not when it’s just me and the cat in the apartment. Jesus can’t be trusted with a credit card.) So, ya’ just gotta do it. Toilet paper is one of the three a-blizzard-is-coming essentials; milk, bread and toilet paper. You can’t create and then milk a cow in your living room, you can’t lay your own eggs, and you can’t use your least favorite tea towel as toilet paper. Well, yeah, you can use a tea towel as toilet paper, but it will clog your toilet. Trust me, it will clog your toilet.



Who The F*** Courtney Stodden Is

I’m not going to pretend I care about her, or that I’m a better person now that I know who she is, but I did learn about her, so I’m counting it. Apparently, she married a fifty year old man when she was sixteen, and now, at the extremely wise old age of nineteen, she is getting a divorce. She also has really big fake boobs, recently got lip injections, and from what I could tell from her interview on E! News, she bathes in glitter. She's dirty-old-man Kryptonite.


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